


A Good Day to Die (aka A Good Gay to Dye)

by lastkrss, titC



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Humor, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-01-01
Updated: 2006-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:02:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25642492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lastkrss/pseuds/lastkrss, https://archiveofourown.org/users/titC/pseuds/titC
Summary: TOS parody. Silliness alert: Klingons! Clichés upon clichés! Ship in danger! Gay people! Kink! Horny dogs! Gary Stus! Pseudo-plot! Bad puns! Aaand... SMUT! Plus the answer to the world's most asked questions: Will Dick Hal be as perfect as he looks? Will Kirk and Spock ever kiss? And will any redshirt survive?
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Kudos: 1
Collections: Side By Side Issue 18





	A Good Day to Die (aka A Good Gay to Dye)

**Author's Note:**

> Authors' Note: An explanation of some phrases and quotes, and reference links at the end of the story. Also, Krss wants to make it clear that she actually likes Chekov.
> 
> Note from LadyKardasi and Sahviere, the archivists: this story was originally archived at [Side by Side](https://fanlore.org/wiki/Side_by_Side_\(Star_Trek:_TOS_zine\)) and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2020. We tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Side by Side’s collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sidebyside/profile).

Captain's Log, stardate-- stardate-- Spock, what _is_ the stardate? Right. Stardate 2275.3.

The Enterprise has arrived to _LOTG 6.66_ Science Station, where it will undergo an upgrading of its computer systems. The new computer, BlinkTron D7, is a much improved... evolved... version; we need only look at it to understand the inescapable... These randomly blinking lights... these unlabeled buttons that look all the same to me... these beeps that don't match either the blinks or the buttons.. all of which don't follow any known pattern in the universe... this is the mark of intelligence.

However, I am... reluctant. A machine should never be... more than the sum of its parts. Human beings can never.. be replaced, but they might be used... for crop fertilization. So I find myself more and more anxious to meet Dr. McCoy in sickbay for a.. my monthly checkup.

Kirk... out.

Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise rotated his chair to look at his First Officer, bent over his science console with his back facing him. He was loath to break the moment -this was a particularly good view- but duty was duty.

'Spock?'

'Yes, Captain.' Spock straightened and faced Kirk with his usual serious Vulcan demeanour.

'How are you, Mr. Spock?' Kirk asked softly, hugging the back of Spock's chair.

'Since you asked, I was researching the asteroid with which we are going to collide in twenty seconds, counting the time until my next Pon Farr...'

'How much is it, Spock?!'

'It has not changed since the last time you asked. Three years. I believe I said 'counting', not 'calculating'.'

'Ah.'

Spock ignored Jim's crestfallen expression, quite unfit for a Captain (but fitting for his face— what was not?) and went on, '... and coordinating the repairs on the hull breach in the recreation room, but now I am just talking to you, Captain.'

Kirk beamed. 'I think that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.' He coughed. 'Mr. Spock, report to transporter room immediately. Dr. Richard Hal is prepared to beam up with his device.'

Spock raised an eyebrow. 'Why is my presence required in the transporter room? Mr. Scott can handle both the transport and the installation more efficiently, while my duties make it imperative for me to stay here, at the console.'

'I'm afraid Scotty is currently on strike.'

Suddenly, Chekov jumped on his chair and shouted, 'Keptin!! I am sorry to interwene, but ve are going to crash into an asteroid in five seconds! Four, now.'

Communications officer Uhura added, 'I am receiving reports that 90% of the security personnel crew, who were in the recreation room when the hull breach occurred, are... dead!' Her face was horrified.

'90% of my security personnel in the rec room? No wonder we are having a hull breach! Sulu, can you do something to help us?'

'I can sure try, Captain! How would you prefer to die? Burnt-up, crashed, asphyxiated, disrupted with a phaser or impaled on a sword?'

'Sulu, I'll talk to you about that sword later. Right now, can you do the slingshot effect with this asteroid?'

'Of course. Although nobody's attempted going to warp speed in two seconds, and the asteroid is pretty close...'

'Now would be a good time, Mr. Sulu. All hands grab on to something!' 'Warp... one!'

The Enterprise started shaking, then rattling, while the ship flew directly at the asteroid, using its gravitation to increase its speed enough to pull away at the right time. The bridge consoles exploded in parts that flew everywhere in the fumes, splattering the walls with the bridge crew. 'Those were a long four seconds,' remarked Spock as he extracted himself from under the science console where he and the Captain had been thrown in an undignified heap.

'It's times like these that I wish Starfleet had given us some simple safety belts!' added Kirk, rubbing his head.

'Captain, you would not say this if you knew that belts can cut someone in two and that the upper body parts can survive and stay conscious for hours without painkillers. I am certain Dr McCoy -- '

'We did it!' Sulu shouted while trying to differentiate between his legs and Chekov's. 'We went back in time...', he checked the ship clock, 'exactly twelve seconds.'

'Keptin! That asteroid is there again, and ve vill impact it in tvelwe seconds.' Chekov was making strange faces again, a sure sign of agitation.

'Captain, maybe we can save those people in the recreation room.'

'Why, Uhura? Why?? They are redshirts! I don't know half of them half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of them half as well as they deserve.'

'I know that quote! It vas inwented by a Russian poet.'

'Mr. Chekov?'

'Yes, Keptin?'

'I think I'm speaking for all the crew here when I say: SHUT UP!'

'Captain, I actually wanted to say something else...' interjected Sulu. 'But you expressed it better. Shut up, Pavel.'

Chekov made a face and starting pressing random buttons, muttering something about how he'd had better _vimen_ lowers.

'But I'm Captain. I'm responsible. Let's save them,' declared Kirk.

'Too late, Captain. The last of them just flew out.'

Kirk fell over dramatically and slumped down in front of his chair. 'My _God_! Why wasn't _I_ sucked into space instead of those innocent redshirts?? No, wait, Spock, I know it's “blown into space”.' 'Captain.. Jim.' Spock put a tentative hand on Kirk's shoulder. 'Even we Vulcans understand the occasional need for introspection. However, I would like to point out that now is not the best of time to indulge in this practice. If I may be so bold as to make a suggestion -- '

Kirk covered Spock's hand with his own. 'Fire away, Mr. Spock.'

'We can try to blast the asteroid with a concentrated burst of our phasers and photon torpedoes. That way we will not have to go back in time again, or die in the fascinating ways Mr. Sulu has proposed.'

'What's the catch, Mr. Spock?'

'The asteroid is so close that it might stain our ship when it explodes.'

'It's a risk we'll have to take.'

♥

'Captain, the asteroid has been successfully destroyed. However..'

'Good, good, Spock. Now off to the transporter room you go.'

'However, Captain.'

'Go, shoo.' Kirk waved both his hands in dismissal. 'I think I'll...' whispering, '... catch a drink with...' inaudible, '... Bones.'

'... however, all our phasers and photon torpedoes have been depleted,' muttered Spock to the turbolift buttons. 'I believe, Captain, that Tibby could teach you some listening skills.'

'What was that, Spock?' It was Kirk's voice, through the comm panel.

'I was just talking to the turbolift, Captain.'

'Why, Spooock... This is most illogical.' Laughter on the bridge. 'Could your human side reeeeally...'

'Spock out.'

On the way to the transporter room, he passed a crying redshirt.

'Commander Spock,' she whispered, straightening her uniform.

'As you were, ensign.'

'Oh, Commander Spock... I really need to talk to someone.'

'I am expected in the transporter room, ensign.'

She grabbed his sleeve, sobbing. 'I lost... my husband... he was in the rec... room... when... oh... and my cousin... he ate today's... jelly cubes... at the mess hall... and I tried to kill myself... blew up three decks... but I was the only one who... lived... and then... I... I... threw a phaser on overload... into the... gym...'

'These are trying times. It can happen to all humans,' soothed Spock. 'Resume your... What _is_ your duty, ensign?'

'Hairdresser to Ensign -- er, he's Lieutenant Chekov now.'

'Report to the brig.'

As Spock tried to enter the transporter room, he bumped his head into the doors. He muttered a Vulcan word that means 'peace and enlightenment' and opened his communicator.

'Spock to Mr. Scott.'

'Yes, Misterrr Spock?' Scotty's voice boomed through both the communicator and the doors.

'Why is the door to the transporter room locked? And why are we still using the communicators? Illogic seems to follow wherever there are humans.' If Spock had been human, he might have looked frustrated at this point.

'I glued it with scotch tape, because....'

' _Scotch_ tape. Fascinating. How did you manage to get near the doors without opening them?'

'... I am on strrrike! I canna let that _scientist_ teleporrrt on me ship with his _compyuterrr_! Because, despite being an engineerrr for decades, I still hate new compyuterrrs.'

'Mr. Scott, is this _really_ how Scotsmen speak?'

'Aye. But I can cut it down forr ya, just a notch.'

'Thank you. And will you unglue the tape and allow the doors to open?'

'Nay.'

'You leave me no other choice but to blast through.'

'Do your worrrst, Mrrr. Spock. I'll do me best.'

'I believe Winston Churchill said that in a better accent. Please stand back.'

♥

'Mr. Scott, are you all right?' asked Spock, pulling Scotty from under a fallen vital panel. The transporter was humming, and a dead body was moving back and forth between two pads.

'Aye. The other ten rrredshirts dinna make it.'

'That is logical. The fascinating part is how they never completely die out.'

'Mrrr. Spock, I dinna think the transporter can take it any morrre.'

Spock moved the body away from the pads and walked to the panel.

'Come in, Science Station _Lords of the Geeks Six Point Sixty-Six_...'

Chuckles were heard through the link. 'We just kill us with our humorous and cool station name.'

'Fascinating... Is Dr. Richard Hal ready to beam up?'

'Yes, but we aren't. We don't want him to leave! You'll have to fight for him.'

'This is highly irregular. Do I have to remind you that the Enterprise has phasers... No. Vulcans do not lie. We have no weapons and more than 90% of our security crew are lying around dead or dying while our Captain is in Sickbay drinking himself to oblivion with the ship's surgeon.'

'You need him more than we do. Take him! Take him before we change our... What is this? Mutiny?? I'll show you where to shove that pattern enhancer, you...' Communication broke off abruptly.

The transporter hummed gently and a humanoid figure, an animal figure and a box took shape gradually in front of the two men's eyes. As he saw the entire man materialize on the pad, Scotty gasped.

And with good reason, for he was breathtaking. His hair was long and a silky raven black, shimmering in gentle waves down to his shoulders, his eyes were a deep golden-flecked green, his mouth was sullen but manly, and his bumpy forehead showed a high intelligence. His lean body had muscles in all the right places.

'Gary Stu?' asked Spock. 'What happened to Dr. Richard Hal?'

Scotty just gaped.

The full, shapely lips smiled. His smile was like water in a desert to a thirsty man— warm. 'I am Dr. Richard Hal, but everyone calls me Dick, for good reason.'

'Welcome, Dick Hal,' said Spock blankly. 'That must be BlinkTron D7. Fascinating. And what is _this_...?' he asked, pointing at the horny animal wearing a tiny metal scarf held by Hal. 'This is Médor. A true warrior's dog.'

♥

'Jim, I've got a bad feeling about this... _computer_ ,' said ship surgeon Dr. Leonard McCoy as he handed the Captain another green drink.

'Bones... you hate all computers equally. Isn't it funny how I have two vital superior officers hating new technology on a ship run by computers?'

'You say this machine is called D7? So what happened to the other six, eh?'

'I actually asked that on #starfleet_chat last night. D1 short-circuited because he lost a chess game to a redshirt. D2 took the name of Detoo, fused with an alien entity named Artoo and is still cleaning the universe. D3 became so sentient (and gay) that he ran off with D4. D5 is only spoken of in whispers, while D6 understood 'computer, give me some prune juice' as 'this is Admiral Nogura, personal code alpha-beta-gamma, execute destruct sequence, code 0-0-0-destruct-0'.'

'May I just say here that, considering secret personal codes issued in Starfleet, it's a wonder we don't all speak Klingon?'

'Noted, for when I actually get into a Starfleet staff meeting.' Kirk played with his glass. 'I'm so bored, Bones. Spock has been ignoring me lately. He just doesn't get it... Am I doing something wrong?'

Nurse Chapel barged in. 'Dr. McCoy, we have a case of third-degree burns.'

'Not now, Nurse. Can't you see I'm drinking with my best friend? Just do what we always do, put a Band-Aid on it, wave a shiny noisy thingie over them and leave it up to good God.'

'I really need to become an M.D.' And Nurse Chapel ran out.

'You were saying, Jim?'

'... and there are only so many women on this starship.'

'Maybe that's what you're doing wrong.'

'Nah. You know Dr. Richard Hal, you met him at the only conference you went to, right? So could you tell me how he is?' Kirk looked curious.

'He's dead, Jim.'

'WHAT?'

'No, he's not, but you should see your face. Heh heh.'

'Very funny, Bones. Now what is he like?'

'He's... intoxicating.' The doctor took a sip while staring into space.

'Bones! I didn't know you were...'

'And I'm not! He's _that_ intoxicating. I'll tell you one thing. His was the only presentation at the conference that got a hundred questions, but no one recalls anything from his slides.'

'Why? Was the presentation bad?'

'Everyone was too busy looking at him to listen, and all the questions were variations on “Are you free tonight?”'

'So what did he reply?'

'He said yes to the first three males and no to the rest.'

'Captain?' It was Spock's voice on the intercom.

'Yes, Spock?'

'Dr. Richard... Excuse me? Certainly, Dick. Dr. Dick Hal is requesting permission to join you on the bridge.'

'On my way.'

'On _our_ way. I'm a doctor, not a monk.'

♥

When Kirk and McCoy arrived on the bridge, all the crew were gathered around Richard Hal except Spock, who was petting what looked like a horned, pinkish dog. The two men advanced.

'Oh, Dr. McCoit, is it?' beamed Richard and reached out with his right hand.

'Not really, but who cares?? Be _very_ welcome, Dick. Heh heh.' McCoy shook the offered hand vigorously, holding it for a while.

'Bones, allow me.' Kirk flashed Hal his second best smile. 'I am Captain...'

'James Tiberius Kirk, Starfleet serial number SC-937-0176 CEC, personal secret code 1-1A. Likes wrestling, pain and walks in the moonlight. Enchanted to meet you.' He threw his shiny, cascading black mane back over his shoulders with a shake of his head.

'What do you know... the devil knows everything about you, Jim!'

Kirk lit up. 'Dr. Hal...'

'Call me Dick, please.'

'I _sure_ will,' Kirk grinned. 'It seems you have me at a disadvantage.'

'I have three PhDs in bioinformatics, Lt. Sulu is my cousin twice removed and I have been very... closely acquainted with one of your crew's father, Nikolai Chekov.'

Chekov jumped out of his chair. 'You broke my parents' marriage and sent me to Starfleet! I had to eat discarded phasers and plasma for months! To get rid of me, they assigned me to a stupid flagshi..' He caught himself in time to allow Spock to raise an eyebrow, sat back down and pushed a few buttons, staring intently at the open space on the main viewer.

Ignoring the outburst, Hal continued, 'But right now, I am single... and I like inflicting pain.' His smirk would have been angelic, if angels did smirk.

Kirk grabbed him by the arm. 'Let me give you a tour of the bridge.'

Spock looked at them and sighed, then went back to petting Médor.

♥

'The bag o' bolts is installed, Captain. But I dinna have to like it!'

'Thank you, Scotty. Dick..' -he poured honey in that single word- 'you may proceed when ready,' and he fluttered his eyelashes at Hal.

The four men were in engineering— Dick because he was the proud creator, Kirk because he was the Captain, Scotty because he didn't want to lose his weekly paycheck and Spock because he was fascinated. Hal pressed a combination of unlabeled buttons on the box that housed the galaxy's most powerful computer, and it zoomed into action.

'Blink. Tron. D7. Press button alpha to identify or use voice commands,' a woman voice was heard.

'BlinkTron, this is Richard Hal, your creator.'

'Recognizing Dr. Richard Hal.'

'Impressive,' Spock said. 'What more can it do?'

'James, you have the honor.'

'BlinkTron, uhm, I want you to show me all Starfleet Command classified messages exchanged in the past month, arranged on two columns.'

'Report ready. Press button alpha to display it or use voice commands.'

'Display.'

'Press button alpha to confirm or use voice commands.'

'I confirm.'

'Press button alpha. Please.'

'Dick, I think your computer is coming on to me.'

'She just wantonly needs contact, James. I tried to program her by impressing my personality on her circuits, but somehow she ended up with a personality exactly opposite. I must not be that good of a scientist,' he said with a charming, self-deprecating smile. 'Thankfully, for some reason, no one ever listens to my presentations.'

'Fascinating.' Spock ignored Dick's modesty and pressed a button at random.

'Mm. Do that again,' BlinkTron said in a somewhat disturbing voice for a computer.

'On the other hand, it seems that there are _some_ things we have in common...' and Dick glanced at Spock.

Spock pressed three more buttons gently, then turned on a knob. The computer moaned and blinked.

'Mr. Spock!! That is not appropriate behavior for a Science Officer.'

_'What's the matter, Jim, are you jealous?'_

_'Get out of my head, McCoy.'_

Oblivious, Spock touched the computer a few more times, much to her and Dick's delight. 'Can I check the insides?'

'Of course...'

The computer started blinking rapidly.

'I'm off. I'm swimming this afternoon. Anyone who wants to join me...' Kirk winked, 'can't, because the swimming pool is so small they have to pull me back with a string while I swim. You know,' he glanced at the blank faces, 'so that I don't reach the other edge in two strokes? It was a joke. Forget it.'

'I also got to rrrun back to me engines, despite the fact that they are herrre. Mrrr. Spock, are ya coming?'

'I wish to sit here and study BlinkTron, if I may.' Kirk scoffed and shuffled his feet out, already taking off his shirt.

'As a matter of fact, Mr. Spock.. I enjoy your presence _very_ much,' Dick smiled, his green eyes sparkling, 'but I have a personal matter to settle with this computer before you can dissect and satisfy her -- er, your curiosity.' Spock nodded in understanding and turned his back politely.

'BlinkTron,' Dick whispered, 'about that report of Starfleet messages...'

'Report ready. Press button alpha to display it or use voice commands,' the female voice shouted.

'Silence, petaQ!!' snapped Dick.

Spock looked over his shoulder and raised an eyebrow, then allowed it back down and turned his back again. There was something quite strange about this man, he just couldn't put his finger on it.

Dick pressed button alpha.

♥

'Ooh!' the computer was positively cooing.

Startled, Spock turned his head, and froze: on the screen of the BlinkTron was displayed a very interesting -- no, _fascinating_ sight. Captain James T. Kirk was skinny-dipping in the starbase swimming-pool!

His skin was gleaming in the artificial light, and his golden hair shone like a small star. Droplets of water clung to every bit of skin they could, emphasizing Kirk's strong, regular strokes and the play of manly muscles under his artificially tanned tone. He would thrust his well-muscled arms again and again into the water, while the whiter, firm-looking, well-defined globes of his butt made Spock long to run his fevered hand on their cool marble surface.

But as engrossed as Spock was in the awesome, testosteroned sight, it wasn't half as much as Dick himself was in the _nga'chug_ spectacle that was now offered for his delight. He was openly staring at the slightly flushed face of the Vulcan, his dilated pupils, hardly distinguishable in the middle the dark irises, his parted, fuller-looking-lips between which he could see a green tongue -- it looked a bit like _hC'oK_ , his favourite dish. You had to suck on it, and it would slowly relinquish its thick juice, and you had to carefully swallow it all -- it was too rare and expensive to be wasted. He quite fancied sucking on that tongue, now...

He slowly brushed a hand through his long, shiny hair, stretched and smiled. He was going to enjoy this, maybe even more than escaping from his first tribble in his Coming of Age tests. But the moment was shattered when Spock almost jumped out of his skin. Médor was humping his leg, and his metal collar had caught on his trouser leg. The poor horny dog was now both glued to Spock's leg and leashed to the Vulcan by its collar, and its horn seemed dangerously close to Spock's private parts.

'Let me help, Spock! Mind if I call you Spock?' He laid a hand on Spock's trouser leg, just where Médor was clamped.

'That is my name, Mr. Hal.'

'Dick, please -- there, Médor! Today is not a good day to di-disturb people. There, good boy. Go play somewhere else.'

'Woof.'

As the pinkish doggie trotted away, Dick turned back towards Spock, only to find him kneeling in front of the BlinkTron, his head stuck in its insides. The computer was clearly delighted as lights started to light the room in a blinking, disorderly, disco-ish fashion.

'Yab! Stop this behaviour now!'

'Yes, pIn'a', but...'

'Fascinating.'

'Yes, Spock?'

'Why did you give a Klingon name to your computer?'

'Because my computer is like a Klingon female: ugly, nymphomaniac and noisy.' At Spock's sharp look, he laughed and added, *Er. Well, you see, I, ah -- oh, I see you've discovered the manual override unit.' As if by chance, Dick rubbed against the Vulcan as he crawled alongside him to peer into the murky, shadowy, dewy depths of BlinkTron.

'Oooh, yes, touch my wirings! Thrill me chill me fulfill me, creature ooooof the niiiiight!'

'Creature of the night?'

'We must have mixed up some data blocks...'

'It might be more practical to simply switch off the speakers.'

'I think that is a _brilliant_ idea!' Dick gushed and reached out with a finger to punch a key.

'No! Nooooooo!' the wail was heartwrenching, but it was soon reduced to a whine, and finally blessed silence surrounded the two tall, dark and handsome men the BlinkTron was still ogling through its fogged camera lens.

'Spock, can I ask you to join me for dinner?'

'Mr. Hal, however instructive it might be to compare notes on computer science, my duties preclude me from -'

'I insist. There is so much we could taste. Do you like _gagh_?'

'I must, as Humans say, 'put my foot down' on that matter, but I am amenable to sharing a meal with you tomorrow.'

'I am already counting the hours. I would count the seconds, but I cannot count over 100! I hope to see you before then.'

'That would be logical, since I serve as Science Officer on this ship.'

'See you soon, then! I will try and engage that Scotsman you have there, I am sure he must have some nice, strong drink hidden somewhere...'

Spock walked out of the engineering section. On his way to his quarters, where he intended to finish some reports, he met several crew members who complained about attacks by a strange, pinkish blur which seemed to fasten on their legs and poke them with two sharp extremities -- some even had stains on their shins or holes punched through their trousers...

Once in his quarters, though, he decided to meditate first. As he knelt in front of the firepot and gazed into its glowering depths, he reflected on the sight of his naked Captain accidentally provided by the computer, his stocky figure, the wet hair around his cherub face -- no, he was Vulcan. He should not indulge in such shameful fantasies on his superior officer and friend -- Jim Kirk the lady-killer would certainly not approve of those... He had to master these urges.

♥

The strong currents were taking him away from the shore into the milky ocean. Soon, he lost sight of it. He struggled, tried to swim back to the surface -- but this was not water, he could not float properly. He was drowning, and he knew it. He was gulping the whitish stuff by the mouthful, it was in his throat, he was choking...

'Spock! Take my hand!'

In a last effort, he looked up straight into Jim's warm eyes, a glowing sun on his banana-shaped boat -- Spock was reminded of the Egyptian myths of the Sun. Was he already dead, and Jim his guide into the Realm of the Dead? The gold of Jim's hair was such a welcome contrast to the silvery death that threatened to engulf him... Jim hauled him up aboard his vessel after a tense moment.

'What do you think of my ship, Spock? I called it, 'Mighty Dick'! You know, like that guy we met once? He looked soooo good! I thought it might be lucky for the ship, you know?' The Vulcan tried to ignore this weird obsession for a man, and stared at the strangely shaped bow: it was blunt, with a slit in the middle and a hole from which spewed forth some of the whitish substance which made up this sea.

'What is the purpose of this structure, Jim?'

'Oh, it's the evacuation system -- the engineers put it in the bow, there was no other place. When there is too much of that stuff -- we call it mreps-- on the deck, it could threaten the ship, but this way it's not a problem any more.'

'I see.'

'Spock, you look cold -- do you need something? A hot drink? What about warm milk, my mother would always - '

'NOOOOOOO!'

♥

'Spock? Spock, wake up! You were having a nightmare!'

The Vulcan opened his eyes and found himself face to face with the man who would try to take Jim away from him.

'Mighty Dick?'

'Why thank you. What about breakfast with me? Some nice gagh...'

Spock shook off the hands on his shoulders. 'Mr. Hal - '

'I liked Mighty Dick better, you know.'

'Please leave my quarters.'

At that moment, Kirk barged in Spock's rooms. 'Spock! I heard you shouting ten decks away, everything all right? Hey, you, Dick -- what are you doing here? Have you been invited here?' He grasped the scientist's wrist.

'In a way, yes. Mr. Spock was shouting something with *Dick' in it.'

'Get out, then. I have an appointment with my First in a few minutes anyway.'

'Could I just use the bathroom, please? I need to rinse a small wound.' Without waiting, he rushed to the sink and stuck his wrist under the water.

'I must have been more violent than I thought...'

Spock was inwardly pleased by Jim's protectiveness, until a detail caught his eye. 'Why are there pink stains under your nails?'

'Pink... yes, you're right. Must be that guy's blood, I dug my fingers in his wrist...'

'But, Jim, pink blood? As far as I know - '

'Aaah, yes!' Dick ejaculated as he walked out of the bathroom. *I am feeling much better, not thanks to you, James! I have a very fragile skin, I will have you know -- so please refrain from breaking it at every opportunity. _I_ am not into receiving pain.'

'I am not into sissies', Kirk snarled back.

'I am NOT a sissy, _sir_. I drank your Chief Engineer under the table just last night.'

The two men glared at each other over Spock's puzzled, upturned face, before leaving him alone to try and find some of his dignity.

'Tibby', he said to apparently no-one in particular, *this promises to be a long day...'

♥

Bridge duty was quite uneventful. They were still orbiting the starbase and checking for any Klingon activity in the area -- nothing to get excited about, until Uhura said: 'Captain, I have intercepted a secret Klingon message! I've sent it to Mr. Spock for unscrambling, sir.'

'Put it on the main screen... Oops.'

On the main viewer, an image of a half-naked captain strutting around the corridor of the Enterprise and flaunting his gleaming chest after a work-out had appeared. An awed silence reigned on the bridge.

'Spock?'

'A moment, Captain - ' how could he say he had punched the wrong key, and broadcast some of BlinkTron's camera security recordings he was _monitoring_ instead of vital, military data? 'I believe the new computer unit misunderstood the order, Captain. Here, I have fixed it.'

'Thanks, Spock. Why are you green all over?'

'Captain, I am always green all over.'

'You are... greener than usual.' Jim hoped Spock had not found his body disgusting!

'Merely... the unexpected, sir.'

'Didn't know Vulcans could be surprised...'

'And I am not, Captain.'

'Didn't you just say..'

'Captain, do you wish to see the Klingon message?'

'Yes.. yes, Spock. Put it... carefully... on viewer.'

After the Klingon ninja stars, a heavily-bearded, fat, distasteful Klingon warrior face appeared.

'Qapla'! buy' ngop! nuqDaq yuch Dapol? nuqDaq 'oH puchpa''e'? DIvI'may'Duj!! veQDuj! petaQ!!!'

The transmission ended abruptly.

Kirk looked at the screen for a few seconds. _Can a Captain show his crew his weakness? Can I confess that I don't know Klingon? Will I lose the respect of my people? And why aren't Klingons talking among themselves in English, like they used to? Damn inconvenient._

'Captain, we know you don't know Klingon. That's a good thing. Uhura is searching for a Klingon-English dictionary right now,' soothed Sulu.

Uhura chuckled.

'What is it, Lt.?' Kirk walked over to her station.

'This page just popped up with Mr. Spock's family tree, sir.'

'What's so funny about his family tree?' He bent closer. 'Oh. Spock? Do you have a relative called T'Porn?'

Chekov and Sulu started giggling.

Spock looked at him with dignity. 'Yes, Captain, as a matter of fact I do. She is my great-aunt, T'Pau's sister -- I believe you already met T'Pau? We do not speak of her much, for T'Pau is not on good terms with her.'

'She doesn't look half so pinched as your grandmother, Spock. Uhura, exactly _what_ keywords were you searching for?'

'Err.. Here it is, Captain. And the secret Klingon message says—“Success! The plates are full! Where do you keep the chocolate? Where is the bathroom?” Um... shall I continue, sir?'

'Don't bother. And _just_ when you think you've got them all figured out!' Kirk slumped in his chair with his hands covering his face dramatically.

The turbolift doors whooshed open.

'Figured out whom, James?'

It was obviously Dick Hal, who was staring at Kirk rather intently. He was dressed completely in black, which complimented his sparkling green orbs. His hair, dark like the darkest possible hair, was pulled back into a shiny ponytail. He advanced, smirking.

'Dick, you don't have permission to be on the bridge.' Kirk hadn't forgiven him for the earlier mishap in Spock's quarters. And wasn't planning to forgive him any time soon either.

'That is true, and to make me go you have to join me for a... let us call it a game of chess in my quarters.'

Kirk sputtered a few random vowels and consonants. 'Why - why would I do that??'

'Because if you don't, someone close to someone you love will die.'

'Spock's gonna die?? Secu...'

'James, look at me.'

Kirk looked into Dick's eyes despite what his instincts shouted. They were green, slightly slanted, heavily eyelashed. They were like deep pools in which he could get lost if he didn't... but he was already lost, two whirls were coming for him, engulfing him, making him dizzy, making him forget, making him want to go to his room and jack himself off while looking at a Starfleet logo. And he was falling... falling... still falling... and then he bumped his butt on something soft and squishy, which he realized was a redshirt. He was on the bridge...? A lean hand lifted him up.

'Let us go,' whispered Dick, and Kirk went.

♥

Spock looked after the two men in disappointment. His Captain... his friend... his brother! No, that was too incestuous. His _friend_. The man he — loved. Gone willingly with that other man, who was such a suspicious character. He wished his Vulcan mind would serve him as it should, and aid him to figure out the mystery. But his mind was bent over Kirk's muscular abdomen and didn't want to straighten up.

'I will be in my quarters. If you need me, you cannot do anything, because I will be meditating. Vulcan meditation can only be broken by the t'Klar, the ritual poking stick. In case of a sudden Klingon attack, deploy all the pink gas we have through the Bussard collectors. In case of a sudden Romulan attack, engage auto-destruct. In case of a fire on the bridge, the doors will lock shut, and you are on your own. In case of flood, the main force field will disengage and you will all swell and choke in terrible ways. Mr. Sulu, take command of the bridge.'

'Um... um... thank you, Mr. Spock.' Sulu looked at Chekov and they both whimpered.

As soon as Spock entered his quarters, his acute Vulcan senses told him that something was wrong. Maybe it was his Vulcan IDIC sign, the triangle screwing a circle, that was not on its usual place on the wall. Maybe it was the fact that he could see into McCoy's quarters through the hole in the wall on which the Vulcan IDIC sign usually hung. Or maybe it was the snarling dog that was attached to his leg.

Whatever it was, he was in pain. Hot, agonizing pain. It made him remember the time in his unhappy childhood when bullies had thrown him into a pit full of earth. It had been the worst moment of his sorry life. Not even when his father refused to acknowledge him as a Vulcan, had it hurt this deeply.

He shook his head to collect himself, nerve-pinched Médor and laid him gently between the constantly opening-and-closing doors.

Then he moved to assess the damage to his quarters. The three priceless Ming vases were reduced to smithereens. The glass pane he held around, propped against the wall, was broken. The Zorg Crystal, the only one of its kind in the universe, was shattered. And then he saw. He rushed to the bed.

'Tibby!!'

Spock picked up his mangled Sehlat and whispered again, 'Tibby...'

His mother had given it to him as a child. He had called it Tibby, and it soon had become became his best -- no, his only friend. Amanda had been adamant on one point: he should never, ever let Sarek see it. Properly educated Vulcan children do not need such props as the weaker Human children needed, he often said...

Spock learned, much later, that Amanda had it custom-made on Earth, because Vulcan did not produce stuffed animals, and there were no stuffed Sehlat to be found on Earth -- the six-inch-long fangs would have scared the parents who bought them, though not the children themselves.

When he first met Jim Kirk, Spock was immediately reminded of Tibby: both had eyes so bright they would light the world for him. And, after a few chess games, Jim had revealed what the 'T.' stood for: 'Tiberius'. From that moment on, he knew James would be his best living friend, and that he would love him and be devoted to him forever.

And Tibby listened to him at night, before he went to sleep- no one had ever been so close to him, though he wished Jim could be.

Jim would certainly make fun of him for talking to a teddy bear. It was, in a way, his own personal log, and a much safer one at that. He could remember a conversation on the bridge about security measures taken to prevent any breach of privacy...

_'I do not have a personal log, Captain, anyone in the galaxy can read that. I could read yours, for instance.'_

_Kirk had looked flushed all of a sudden. 'Really...?'_

_He had attempted to put his mind at ease. 'Of course, ethics forbid me to do so, but it would be easy for someone unscrupulous.' 'Riiight,' Jim had said, and rushed to his cabin in a most undignified manner._

And now one of Tibby's legs was damp and a pointed ear had been left pointless. It was the last straw. A single tear made its way down on Spock's pale cheek as he walked out of his cabin with determination.

Then, all of a sudden, he faltered and fell. A low hum started in the corridor.

♥

Dick lit two candles and met Kirk's eyes over the table. His green emeralds were unreadable.

'What are you thinking, James?'

'Right now?'

Hal nodded.

'I was thinking of the new warp drive. It makes an awful racket. I think Scotty should...'

'You disappoint me, James.' Dick walked around the table and knelt beside Kirk. His kneecaps crackled ominously. He traced a line along the Captain's neck softly while admiring the manly hair on his own knuckles.

'Dick, I don't think that we should...'

'I think we should. And then we should even more. And then we should sleep.'

'Okay.'

The candles flickered while two silhouettes entwined, their shadows projecting a rabbit on the wall. When the shadow became a sea-star, the light extinguished and all that was left were a few scattered moans. Then a groan. Then a yelp.

'I told you I am _not_ into pain, human!!'

'Why are you calling me...'

'RED ALERT!' the speaker squealed. 'RED ALERT! Cloaked Klingon vessel approaching! I don't know how we saw it, but RED ALERT!'

'Shut up...' muttered Kirk. 'What's he saying...?'

'I believe, James, he is saying that this is the hour of my triumph.'

'... And if you tuned in later, the ship is on RED ALERT!' continued the loudspeaker.

'Wha...?' Kirk dragged his feet to the bathroom and splashed a healthy dose of water on his face. 'Back to my intelligent, charismatic self. What do you mean by your hour of triumph? And why are we naked in a dark room???'

'Correction. _You_ are naked, and I am fully dressed in my warrior garb.'

'Explain why you are dressed as a Klingon, Hal.'

'So it is back to Hal. I don't mind, we will always have the nice five seconds we shared together. Since you are going to die eventually anyway, even if from old age, and I am feeling talkative, why not tell you my evil plan!'

'Please do.'

'James, I think you might have made a big error in judgment by not letting Lt. Uhura translate the message to the end.'

'Why? What did it say?'

'“DIvI'may'Duj!! veQDuj! petaQ!!!”' The harsh Klingon sounds flowed from Dick's flawless lips as if they belonged there. Well, actually, they did...

'And _that_ means...?'

'It means: *Federation battle cruiser! Garbage scow (USS Enterprise)! Fuck!''

'They have a word for *Enterprise?? And, you can _speak_ brackets?'

'That is beside the point now, James. The message should have warned you that the Klingon bird of prey had detected the Enterprise and was close, but since it didn't, now you are helpless in their clutches... our clutches.'

'You mean...'

'Yes, I am a Klingon.'

'No!' Kirk opened his mouth in awe.

'If I tell you I am, I am. Here, did you see my bumpy forehead?'

'I did, but...'

'And my Batleth tattoo?'

'I did too, but...'

'All right. You no wonder ask yourself why I am here. Well, James, I am a spy. Don't look so surprised! My new computer, which you know as BlinkTron, was meant to infiltrate the Starfleet network and send the top-secret messages to Klingon Intelligence. As I believe she is doing now.'

'You... you!'

'And now, I will have to lock you in here and take over the bridge.'

'The bridge is under a sudden killer bees attack, Captain!' shouted Uhura through the communicator. 'Mr. Spock didn't tell us what to do about that!'

'Intruder alert, bridge! Don't let him...'

'Don't waste your breath, I know that you have less than 10% of your security personnel left alive. I believe I have overstayed my welcome. I might see you later, Captain.. but most probably not. Oh, and I stole your First Officer too. It was a lucky happening. While you were otherwise occupied, he was bitten by Médor, temporarily paralyzed and teleported to the Klingon ship. Don't ask me how I know this. I fancy him. I might even keep him.. if he survives the jello treatment.'

Dick smiled seductively, winked and vanished in a red beam.

Kirk kicked the table with all his might. Glass splattered everywhere.

'DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK! You Klingon bastard, you stole my brother! No, that's too incestuous.'

He rendered the room uninhabitable, then started dressing up.

'Wait, come back, you forgot to lock me in here... Oh. Right.'

Shirt fluttering behind, he ran for the transporter room.

♥

Scotty was seated on the transporter pad and looked worried. He always looked worried, but this time there was a hint of dementia in his haggard eyes.

'Me engines!! Me beautiful engines! In Klingon hands!'

'Scotty, get a grip on yourself!! I have to get Spock back, because I don't care that much about the ship.'

'Me en-gines!' Kirk grabbed Scotty by the collar with one hand and slapped him heartily with the other, three times.

Scotty blinked. 'Me eyes!! Me beautiful eyes!' He doubled over and started sobbing. Kirk came to the painful realization that he would have to operate the controls himself.

'All right, Captain, you handsome devil you. Remember that exam at the Academy about transporters? Oh, yes, you flunked that one because you slept with Gary Mitchell. Scotty-y!!'

Scott was lying in a depressive mass on the floor. Kirk returned his attention to the panel.

'Um... I wonder what this button does.'

'RED ALERT! The main deflector dish has just been disabled!'

'Sorry.' He flicked the button back.

'... And we're down from RED ALERT, folks. Qapla'!'

'Okay, I think I got it now.' He pressed a red button, a yellow button, flicked a switch and pulled three levers simultaneously. 'It was so simple.'

He ran to the nearest pad and disappeared in smoke.

♥

The first thing Spock thought when he opened his eyes was that Klingons were ugly. Then he started wondering why he was seeing three of them staring down at him. He did not remember seeing them on the Enterprise. But what was the Enterprise? It was a ship, he recalled. He had been kidnapped! Dick Hal had been a Klingon all along! His Captain might be dead! He was strapped into a torture chair, a Klingon jello mind-sifter! And he had actually forgotten his Rubik cube in the _mess hall_ that day!

Spock got his rampant human half under control and examined his situation.

His situation, under close scrutiny, revealed itself to be hopeless.

Spock was not one to cave in easily, so he gave the situation a second-level diagnosis.

The situation remained hopeless, and he also remembered about the faucet he had left open in his quarters.

One look at the Klingons preparing the jello and Spock went into a preventive Vulcan healing trance.

That was the exact moment that the doors flew to pieces and Kirk barged into the room, fists at the ready and a literal killer smile on his face. 'Ha! How I managed to kick those self-opening doors, you'll never know!' He looked around. 'Spock!!'

The Klingons shouted some things in Klingon and Kirk replied, 'Yes, this is a good day to die, _isn't it!_! You are Klingons, _aren't you_! I am a smelly human, _aren't I_!!' and charged.

The first Klingon that jumped at him had exophtalmic eyes. All the easier to poke. Kirk saw him stagger back, heard his bloodcurdling scream, held out his hands and remarked, 'I come in peace!'

The two remaining Klingons shouted, 'Welcome!' and the next thing he knew, he was on the floor under two heavy bodies. The second next thing he knew, he was strapped into the chair in Spock's place, while Spock was on the floor, unconscious. Then everything he knew was jello, and lots of it.

Captain's log, Stardate... who cares. I have been captured by the Klingons while attempting a rescue of Mr. Spock. They have strapped me down in their torture machine, tying my arms and legs and gagging me. In fact, how am I even able to record this log?

'What is your purpose here, human?' asked the Klingon with the beady eyes.

'James T. Kirk, rank Captain, serial number... I forgot.'

'So you are a Starfleet Captain?' asked the Klingon with the sweaty cheeks. 'We could get a ransom for this one.'

'Something tells me that standard Starfleet procedure for when you get caught isn't working too well,' mused Kirk.

'What is the strategic placement of Outpost 234?'

'James T. Kirk, rank Captain, serial number... Dick knew it. How could he do this to me...'

'Dick Hal? The wimp?' asked the sweaty-cheeked Klingon.

'He's a Klingon warrior, isn't he?'

The two Klingons laughed, showing their pointed yellow teeth.

'Do you know why he is such an ugly Klingon? He was a sissy in Klingon battle school and all the other kids kicked his face in all the time because his eyes were freakishly green.'

'That explains a few things... By the way, I congratulate you on your English fluency.'

'Thank you, we try. English is taught very well in Klingon schools — ten painsticks in the shins for every misspelling and a konk on the head for using the word “emotion”.'

'And I thought _Vulcans_ took it too far. What did Dick say he was doing, again?'

'His computer has been sending top-secret information from Starfleet to our Intelligence,' said the beady-eyed Klingon.

'Did he actually pull this off?'

'Yes, he did. Right now the computer is... taHqeq! QI'yaH! ghuy'cha'!' They both ran to the computer and started pushing buttons.

'What's wrong?' Kirk was beginning to smile.

'The petaQ!!' expostulated the sweaty Klingon. 'The computer is _receiving_ _public_ information from the Klingon Empire and sending it to _Starfleet Command_!'

'Ohhh... I get it! The computer was programmed with the exact opposite personality from Dick's... he's male, she's female, he's gay, she's het, he's efficient, she is hopeless, he's intoxicating, she's nauseating. So she did the exact opposite from his orders! Come to think of it, Starfleet Command _is_ the opposite of intelligence, but don't tell them I said that.'

The Klingons growled. 'Enough, human! We have failed, the Klingon Empire will make us drink milk in front of the High Council, but you will not see Starfleet Command again! You will not see your friends again! You will not see anything at all.' They put a black band on his eyes and started the machine.

Pain was his only reality. It surrounded him in waves, in spirals, in diamonds and cones, making him come over and over and over. 'These Klingons have good stuff...' he thought drowsily.

Then it stopped. He moaned and opened his eyes. The band was gone, and the Klingons were gone too, replaced by Spock's floating head with a raised eyebrow. His lips were moving, but Kirk heard no sound.

'Oh no, Spock, I was enjoying myself...' he muttered. As his last conscious act, he grabbed on to a screw from the chair he was sitting on.

And then he swam towards the white blinding light.

♥

Captain's log, Stardate 2275.7. Dr. Richard Hal in command of the Enterprise. I do not know why I am making this log. Hal over.

Dick Hal brushed a rebel lock of hair from his handsome face and turned to Pavel Chekov.

'Report, lieutenant.'

'Dokter Hal...'

'Call me your Captain, if you please.'

'Vell, you _are_ cute... but NEWER!'

Everyone on the bridge winced as Chekov flew through the air dramatically and smashed into the main viewscreen.

'You have just been demoted to ensign. Dick turned to Lt. Sulu with a smile. 'Cousin?'

Sulu gulped and shouted, 'The Enterprise is orbiting the planet at 100 million kilometers... err... kellicams! Science lab reports research for the ultimate weapon of the galaxy has begun. Medical lab reports Dr. McCoy is drunk. Security redshirts report they have rounded themselves up and are beaming themselves into space in organized groups by your orders, sir!'

'Excellent.' Richard Hal approached Lt. Uhura with a big grin. 'Lieutenant, do _you_ have anything to report?'

'Yes, sir. I am reporting that the stand-in Captain of the Enterprise is a dick. Directly to Starfleet Command.'

Dick took a step back and his golden-flecked green eyes became deep sky blue for a few seconds. Then he waved his hand. His fingers were long and graceful. 'Carry on, lieutenant. Klingon Intelligence reported that the Earth communications officer is at the loo. It will never get through.' He walked to the science console. 'Yab, I am your creator, Dr. Hal, checking on your health. Acknowledge.'

'Mmmpf... mmmgh... ooh,' said BlinkTron.

'What _now_ , Yab? Are you looking at those pictures of Pentium 5 again? He is too old for you!'

'Oh, ohh, there, yes... mm.'

'Yab, acknowledge.'

As only reply, the moans of the computer filled the bridge. Between Chekov, who was still out cold, and Sulu, who was getting hot, everyone started looking very uncomfortable.

'Lt. Sulu,' Dick barked, 'go and check what is happening with BlinkTron. Take this Batleth, and if you see any of your crewmates on the way, decapitate at will.'

Sulu hurried into the turbolift without looking back.

'Meanwhile, gentlemen, let us proceed with Order 66.'

'What is Order 66, sir?' The whole bridge crew except Chekov were looking at him curiously. He found he liked their attention almost as much as kicking them around. Almost.

'So you would like to know what Order 66 is.' He smirked.

'Just tell us already, sir,' said a random redshirt.

'You have just been demoted to... you already are an ensign. Why aren't you in the transporter room with the others?'

'Reporting there on the double, sir.' The redshirt left the bridge and was never heard from again.

♥

Sulu was galloping around the corridors when a hand sneaked out and grabbed his mouth. His legs slid from under him and he fell on his Batleth painfully.

'Owww.. My right leg. Gone.'

'Shush, Sulu! It's us!' Kirk was mouthing the words dramatically.

'Captain! Mr. Spock! You're alive! So what about my leg?'

'McCoy will grow that back in no time.' 'Are you sure, Captain? My name is not Harry Potter.'

'What are you talking about?? Now just help us get back control of the Enterprise. Can you crawl?'

'I'll try... Where should we go?'

'Anywhere but the recreation room.'

Kirk, Spock and what was left of Sulu assembled in the mess hall. They filled each other in on what had happened to them.

'... and Chekov is a redshirt now, so he can die any minute, and Hal sent me to check on BlinkTron, she moaned too much...'

'... and Spock woke from his trance somehow and pinched all the Klingons and I took out a screw from their ship and now they're completely disabled..'

'... and Médor mangled Tibby and bit me and died and I could not do anything but stand by to be teleported... and I believe we are all talking at the same time...'

'... I agree...'

'... snap out of it...'

'... brains... brains...'

'... snap... out!'

The three men stopped at the same time and panted.

'He did _what_ to _whom_??' Kirk was outraged. 'Sulu, we were the ones making BlinkTron moan. Spock was groping inside her for a switch that could make us take over the bridge. He only found one that amplifies the heartbeats of everyone on the ship, but it amplified everything else too, so we had to shut it off when the walls started to crack. So now what do we do? I need options, gentlemen, and fast. This orbit will start decaying in _two months_.'

'We could depressurize the main cargo bay.'

'Does that even _mean_ anything, Sulu?'

'It was in Starfleet manuals, sir. In case of Klingons taking over ship, or mass hallucinations of Klingons taking over ship, or Klingons hallucinating about taking over ship, depressurize main cargo bay.'

'Didn't I write that manual?'

'I think you did, sir.'

'Well, then, I need another option.'

'There is no other option, Captain.' Spock's voice was graver than usual.

'There is always another option!! Come ON, Spock! I usually get three!'

'All right. There is one other.'

'I knew it!'

'But it will get us, the crew, the ship and the entire Human race in grave danger of rape, mutilation and death.'

'So what are we waiting for??'

♥

'Do you still want to know what Order 66 is?' asked Richard Hal.

The crew only nodded and stared.

'Ensign Chekov..'

'Yes... Keptin.' Chekov was almost recovered, if you didn't count the white hair and the eye twitch.

'Take us in to coordinates 034-02-5. Warp 10.'

'But... Keptin! We can't reach Warp 10! And that course vill take us through an asteroid field, the Romulan Neutral Zone, the Klingon Neutral Zone, Amish space and the Forbidden Barrier! En route to... to...'

'Yes, that is right, Chekov. En route to Kronos, the Klingon Homeworld.'

'Vas this Order 66, Keptin?'

'No, Order 66 is something else entirely.'

The entire crew groaned.

♥

'Are you sure about this, Spock?'

'No, Captain. Mr. Sulu, please remove your bloody behind from my face so I can see where we are going.'

'Spock! Language! Tsk, tsk.'

'I was not cursing, Captain, it really is bloody.'

'I thought these Jeffries tubes were larger than this,' grunted Kirk as he crawled on.

'They are pretty large, Captain. Maybe something else is large as well?' grinned Sulu. Kirk kicked him in the head and he fell silent, but continued to walk through inertia.

'I'll be... the things they leave in these tubes.' Kirk held up a yoyo, a candy wrapper and a pair of crotchless Starfleet uniform trousers.

'Captain, here is something even more interesting.' Spock showed Kirk a little anatomically correct Kirk-doll. 'He even has your birth mole.' He pocketed it carefully.

'How do you know about... forget it.'

They were advancing like snails, passing openings right and left, wading through a 5-inch high murky water. All sounds echoed through the eerie tunnel, and Kirk felt that his panting could be heard all over the ship. They will all know, they will all point fingers at him, they will say 'The Captain is a fat wuss!'

'Spock! I'm all alone. I'm losing my command!'

'Jim...' Spock put an arm around his shoulder.

'I'm losing my command... still losing my command... losing... I've just lost my command!'

'That is true. You have.'

'Hold me.'

Spock held Kirk in his arms for a moment, as he calmed down. Their shadows were rippling over a blinking computer panel. Drops of water echoed at the edge of their hearing.

'Spock...' Kirk began tentatively.

'Yes, Captain?'

'When you told Sulu earlier to move his butt away, were you saying you would reject any butt set on your face?' He swallowed hard, trembling a little.

Spock flushed grass-green. 'Captain, I... would not be adverse to another...'

Kirk hyperventilated. 'That's enough, Spock, enough for now. Let's find that intersection!'

'We passed it a while ago. It had caved in. But I know a shortcut.'

♥

Dick Hal was pacing the bridge to and fro, stopping from time to time to straighten his hair and watch his reflection smile seductively at him from a panel. Everything was going according to plan. As he looked around all he could see were faces hardened by deep space flight and brimming with loyalty. One problem was that their loyalty lied elsewhere. But he had another, bigger problem... what _was_ that Order 66?

'Sir, why are you taking us on a collision course with the Klingon Homeworld?' Uhura seemed merely curious.

'Lieutenant, do you know why a Klingon baby never cries?'

'Because Klingons don't have tear ducts?'

'There is truth in that, sure, but I will tell you the real reason. It is because if they cry their Klingon father takes them into the forest and leaves them to the tribbles. These babies grow up into scarred, unsettled adults. You can see why the Klingon race must be wiped off the face of the galaxy. Plus they were mean to me when I grew up.'

'But _you_ are Klingon too.'

'Only in blood, forehead and this uniform. I can eliminate all three through surgery at a later time. There is also that strange fever compelling me not to eat any food that sits still in the plate... but I can pass as a Ferengi with that one.'

Sulu's voice rang through the intercom. 'Captain, I think you should see this.'

'What? What is it?'

'Your presence is needed down here.'

'Can't you just _tell_ me what it is?? All right, all right, I'm coming. Where am I coming?'

'Just step in the turbolift, Captain, and we'll take it from there.'

' _We_ , cousin?'

'Erm... um... abort mission! Abort mission!' The transmission ended in static.

'Oh Kahless, don't tell me that this means Captain Goldilocks and my future lover are roaming freely around this ship.'

'I will not tell you that, Richard,' replied the face of Kahless, the Klingon warrior-god, from a monitor.

'That reassures me. I will now drop security precautions to zero.' He punched a few buttons.

'Got you, Dick!' Kahless' face dissolved into a grinning Kirk. 'Spock, Sulu! Make it so!'

Two 'Huh?'s were heard in the intercom.

'Go for it! Step on it! Engage!'

The two men crashed in through the bridge floor.

For the first time in its life, Dick's mouth was forgotten open.

Spock shook the debris from his hair and nerve-pinched the nearest redshirt, who was Chekov, to see if he hadn't lost his touch.

Sulu looked wanton. 'Klingon scum, you are family, but your Batleth sliced off my leg, and I can't kill it, so I will kill _you_ with it instead! Prepare to die!'

'No, Sulu, no!' Kirk appeared from the turbolift. 'This Dick is _mine_.' His grin was sinister.

But Sulu's eyes were wild. He hopped towards Dick, who jumped out of the way straight into some loose power cables. They sizzled and hissed, and wisps of smoke started coming out of his beautiful dark hair. Spock nerve-pinched Sulu's shoulder. 'Dr. Hal is at your disposal now, Captain. We will take care of the Enterprise and Mr. Sulu. Enjoy yourself.'

Kirk approached his victim with relish. 'Klingon, eh? I single-handedly defeated Kahless, the best of all Klingon warriors, so why are _you_ still here? By the way, Hal I _might_ understand, but what kind of a Klingon name _is_ Dick anyway?'

'My mother gave me the name Dickless. As soon as I grew my first tooth I bit her for that.' Dick started backing away slowly.

'No you don't. There's nowhere to run, Dick.'

'Oh, but there is.' And Dick ducked into the turbolift and started pushing buttons desperately. Kirk jumped in with him just in time, his shirt getting caught in the closing doors. The turbolift hummed and moved away, ripping off the shirt's collar.

Kirk punched Dick straight in the kisser, and, as he watched, a thin stream of blood came out of the right corner of Hal's mouth and his beautifully-shaped, full lips started to get fuller.

'Not the mouth, human! I have sensitive — skin — ! ' Hal punctuated his words with kicking Kirk in the stomach and then in the back. Kirk grunted and threw a fist in Hal's direction, but hit the glass of the lift wall instead. It smashed into pieces, live wires fell sparkling out of it and alarms started sounding.

'I have a glass cut! Now you're going to pay, Kirk.' Dick bumped his bumpy head into Kirk's chest mightily. Air that he didn't even know he had inside was knocked out of Jim. This wasn't going as well as he had hoped for.

'Deck 7. Crew's quarters.' The turbolift doors whooshed open.

Kirk pressed his back to the wall, grunted and flying-kicked Dick out with both his feet. Then he ran after him, leaving behind all of the back of his shirt.

The turbolift crashed in the tunnel below and exploded loudly.

Dick hid into one of the living quarters. Kirk, a fluttering rag covering his chest, ran inside and spotted Hal in the bathroom. He was near him in three steps. He lunged a fist at him and shattered the mirror into atoms. Dick opened a closet and took out a flamethrower.

'Oh, no. No.' And Kirk jumped out of the way just in time to see the bed catch on fire. Then he ran through the doors while all the apartment behind him erupted in flames.

Dick came out after him. His manly eyebrows were frizzled. The two men glared at each other, then Kirk gave Dick a black eye to match his hair and tried to move back for a flying-kick. But Dick was too fast for him, and instead he kicked down a door that said 'Explosives!'

'Ruuun!!' shouted Kirk. The two men leapt in the air in slow-motion, their faces covered with blood and grime and their hair flowing behind them, as the entire deck collapsed under their feet from the terrible explosion.

'Captain, are you all right?' Spock sounded concerned.

'Yes, Mr. Spock. I'm having fun!' But just then, Dick grabbed Kirk and pushed him over the edge, ripping off what was left of his shirt.

'You... bastard...' Kirk groaned, and did a somersault through the air, landing on the edge just in front of Dick, who had stepped back. He started punching up his face, while screaming 'This — is — for — wanting — to — pork — Spock!' His chest was gleaming, muscles rippling and covered in sweat.

'James, if you had shown this to me earlier... Wugh.' Dick was cut off in mid-sentence by a headbang from Kirk. He shook him off and ran down the corridor.

'Wait! Wait up! I have more one-liners!' Kirk gave chase.

Dick and Kirk blew open the doors to Sickbay and collapsed inside. Kirk grabbed his formerly handsome nemesis and hit him into the screen that depicted a child's drawing of the human body. Something behind it started beeping and waves of smoke came out of the screen; after a few seconds, the screen bulged and exploded, throwing a new layer of manly grime all over the combatants.

Dick grunted and picked up a hypospray. He tried to inject it into Kirk's arm, but Kirk punched him in the neck and upturned a biobed over him. Dick extracted himself and started destroying the biobeds, making his way towards Kirk. 'Today is a good day to die, Captain.'

'Med lab security breach. Useless screen disaffected. Five seconds to decontamination,' a monotonous voice said.

The doors were closing slowly, and a red smoke was rising. The two men looked at one another and got out of there. Behind them the doors clinked shut and a powerful explosion was heard.

'Captain, what is happening to the ship? Have the Klingons boarded?'

'No, Spock, don't worry. Die, Klingon scum!!' and he flying-kicked Dick through a few bulkheads, until they emerged in the engine room.

Kirk fell, tired from his exertions, and Dick fell on top of him. The two men locked gazes. For a few crazy seconds Hal looked like he was going to kiss Kirk, but then he bit his nose. Jim yowled. Dick jumped off and ran towards the elevator. Kirk picked himself up and followed.

He caught up with Dick as he was trying to get in the lift, and pushed him against the railing. In the middle of the room the warp core was humming happy and red. The light created a halo around Dick's face, or what could still be seen of it under the layers of dirt and blood. Kirk breathed in, out, and started kicking Hal wherever he could. The Klingon tried to deflect the blows, but that just ground their hips together and made Kirk more excited.

'You're into pain NOW!' he shouted. 'And no one. NO ONE. Calls me James!! Your —mother — has — a — smooth — forehead!!'

And at this, Dick smiled and collapsed.

Jim Kirk continued to punch the lights out of him for a while, losing himself in all the excitement. Then he growled, put a foot on Dick's limp body and howled.

'Captain, I think I will come over and get you now.'

'Yes, Spock.. yes. Come over me and get me. I love you.'

'What was that, Jim?'

'Oh, I said.. whew... what I _should_ have said was that I just blew up most of the Enterprise while getting it back, and that felt _good_.'

'I heard what you said the first time. I am coming.'

♥

Kirk began to wonder about his subconscious' wisdom and common sense: announcing his love -- not only his lust (half the ship lusted for Spock) but his _love_ for his First Officer through the ship's comm systems both to the whole bridge crew _and_ himself may not have been its best initiative. Talk about 'hunches', indeed -- what would happen now? Would Spock come and shag him senseless against a panel in Scotty's engine room? Scotty's -- wait, wasn't that computer somewhere in the Scot's den? Yes, yes -- he loved _Spock's skills with computers_ , which would allow him to get rid of it. And _then_ they could shag on its remains.

No. No no no. Not shag. Vulcans don't shag, they just have Pon Farr every seven years and -- and -- did they have sex at any other time? And what did they do when they had sex? Did they look like, well, humans? Or not? Maybe they have sex only once every seven years because theirs dicks are so huge Vulcan girls need seven years to get over it? Yessss, a huge, green, male cock standing proud like a Corinthian column of jade marble with emerald veins, a huge, skywards pointing Tour Eiffel of throbbing flesh, just for him... Spock in Pon Farr! Spock trying to kill him with sharp weapons while rubbing off against him!

Kirk's thought ground to a halt when Spock entered the engine room alone.

'I see you have been enjoying yourself, Captain. I have picked up the remains of your shirt on my way here, I could easily follow your path of destruction through the ship.' Spock was obviously aiming at neutral for now.

'You're right, Spock. But -- well -- I'd like to deal with this computer first, and then have a long, nice, hot shower in your quarters -'

'In my quarters, Captain?'

'Well, I'm afraid Dick and I have set fire to the quarters adjacent to mine and -- no, not yours, Spock! Shh... There, there... and, so, my bathroom must be unusable, and, also, I'd like to ask, would you like to join -'

A shrill beep resounded in the room.

'Kirk here.'

'Jim, we've got a huge problem in Sickbay. Seems the biobeds are now reflecting the actual physical data of the patients! The heartbeats are accurate! How am I supposed to cure people, now? I've got to do more than just wave a recycled chess piece over them! And -- oh my god, Jim, the doors are making the wrong wooshing sound when they open! Dammit, Jim! People are gonna walk into them thinking they're opening when they're closing, we're gonna have casualties down here! You gotta _do_ something!'

Chekov's voice rang through the intercom. 'Keptin, varp core breach in progress!!'

'Can you compensate?' asked Kirk.

'Yes.'

Kirk facepalmed. 'Stupid, excitable youths.'

Captain and First Officer exchanged a besotted look for a raised eyebrow, and turned towards the BlinkTron unit in a single movement.

Kirk punched a button on the wall. 'All hands, this is the Captain. Under no circumstances should anyone touch the new computer. I repeat, do not touch the computer. This is an emergency situation!'

'But... But... I so wanted to feel your manly chest in me! And feel Mr. Spock's fingers carefully poking my insides and rewiring me! Pleaaaaase...'

'Computer! You are now... doomed to die a painful DEATH, deprived of all... sensory contact with anyone, for ever! You shall die, BlinkTron!'

'Not being touched will make me cranky, not dead, Captain! I am BlinkTron D7, and I am invincible! Mwahahaha!'

'Captain, may I suggest the use of some logical thinking instead of trying to antagonize a machine which controls the ship in its entirety?'

'Right, right... What's the line, again? Ah -- computer! How have you been programmed?'

'I am the exact opposite of Dr. Hal.'

'Right! So, if he is alive...'

'...then - then -- beeeeeep -- pIn'a' is alive -- dead -- alive -- dead-'

Clouds of smoke were billowing from the computer.

'Dick Hal is ALIVE, BlinkTron! Therefore, you are....?'

The computer's electronic voice was getting shriller & shriller, until sparks flew everywhere and everything got suddenly very quiet.

'Keptin! Keptin! Ve have regained control of the ship on the bridge and put Mr. Hal in the brig! Ve have von once again!'

'Of course we have', Kirk answered the speaker in the wall. 'But, Chekov -- remind me again of your purpose on this ship? Apart from stating the obvious in an overexcited voice and providing Sulu with a love interest in Loveboat Trek?'

A loud crash suddenly resounded in the engine room. A bit of ceiling had just fallen on Spock. It seemed the computer expert who always let his Captain deal with computers had met his doom while avoiding his job. Or maybe, while letting his Captain step into the limelight and prove his own special skills...

'Spock!' Kirk ejaculated. 'Spock, are you in there?' He began frantically throwing away bits of deck plates. Where was the Vulcan? _How_ was he? Was he alive?

After a few minutes of frenzied digging, Kirk finally spotted a Spock -- or, more accurately, a pointed ear. He dragged his friend to an uncluttered part of the engine room, and started touching every bit of Vulcan he could: the chest, the abdomen, the head, the arms, the hair, the crotch, but -- still no heartbeat!

'Bones!' he roared to the intercom.

'I'm stuck in Sickbay, Jim! Seems that damned computer locked every door it could while you talked it to death!' the doctor grumbled.

'But, it's -'

'Spock, I know.' McCoy was using his best soothing, Bailey-smooth voice. 'You only worry like that when it's about Spock. Everybody knows that, Jim. Remember that time when a bird ripped off one of his chest hairs, and you thought he was gonna die?'

'But half the ceiling's just fallen on him, and he's not breathing, and his heart's not beating wherever it is, and he's covered in blood, and - and -- I don't know what to _do_ , Bones! I'm a Captain, not a doctor!'

'Look, you'll find something, Jim. McCoy out.'

'BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONES!' But Kirk's angry shout only caused some more plaster to fall in Spock's hair and make it look an artful, dignified grey.

Right! He had to save Spock! But what could he do? He took one long-fingered hand in his, and started to caress the fingers -- he remembered the feel of the hot pads of Spock's fingers on his face when they melded, the whirl of emotions and desire neither would admit in words... An idea struck him. Carefully, he began placing Spock's fingers on his face, and put his free hand on the Vulcan's face. He had to! He had to reach him and make his heart beat again -- beat just for him! He couldn't give him a heart massage, he didn't even know where Vulcans had their hearts but, maybe, their unspoken connection could help him revive his officer -- his friend -- his brother -- his beloved, stubborn, brooding Spock.

After some long, angsty minutes, Kirk began to feel something -- a presence, a warmth -- and suddenly he found himself face to face with a Vulcan child.

'Who are you?'

'I'm Jim. What's your name?'

The child looked up at him warily. 'Spock.'

'Spock? How old are you?'

'I am 8 years, 4 months, 3 days, 7 hours and 53 minutes old. What are you doing here?'

'Er, I'm looking for a friend.'

'I am too. Who is your friend?'

'He is tall and very intelligent. He is a Vulcan like you.'

'My father says I am not a true Vulcan.'

'Why?'

'I... I am too emotional. I cannot go home anymore now, I have lost my friend, and my father will know I am sad, and will want to know why, and Vulcans do not lie and I will have to tell him about Tibby, and Mother said never to tell him about Tibby, and I am not a true Vulcan, and...' the child stopped abruptly. 'Forgive my emotional outburst, sir.'

'Who is...?'

'Tibby is my friend, my only friend. A pink dog came and hurt him and then I hit my head and Tibby had disappeared when I woke up.'

A horrible feeling constricted Kirk's chest. Where was the adult Spock? Had the blow to his head sent him back to childhood? Or... Had he misunderstood? T'By? Was it a Vulcan girl? But child Spock had referred to T'By as 'him'. Was it a boy's name, then? Spock's first love? His childhood sweetheart? How could he compete, then, against a long-lost love?

'Sir? Have you seen him? It is a one-foot tall black Sehlat with white fangs, and the pink dog had hurt his ear.'

'Er, no. Look, would you like to walk a bit with me, while I'm looking for my friend?' Kirk thought he could try and show his mind's picture of Spock's own quarters on the Enterprise -- maybe Spock would then snap back to the present? 'Right, see that door there?' They walked in.

'Tibby!' Child Spock was already clutching a stuffed animal. Its fur was scarce, an ear was bitten, an eye had clearly been sewn back, and its fangs looked about as threatening as a dead goldfish -- but Spock radiated happiness. 'Thank you, sir! I shall ever remember you.' And with that, the child ran out with his toy, and Kirk looked after him for a long time, alone in his own mind image of Spock's quarters.

'Jim?' a whisper. Kirk opened his eyes, and fell down into Spock's -- brown, tired, and so very much alive.

'Spock!'

'You pulled me back. I thank you.'

'Quite all right, Spock. That's what friends are for.' Kirk batted his eyelashes at Spock while the Vulcan crinkled his eyes at him, and he started to bend down to the Vulcan's half-smiling mouth, desperate to taste his slightly upturned lips, when the doctor barged in.

'I finally got out, Jim! So, how are you two? See, told you he'd be fine. Isn't he always? Now, off to Sickbay with the both of you! You still look battered.'

'But, Bones...'

'Don't you but me no buts nor Bones me no Boneses, Jim! Or I'll write a report on your unfitness for command!'

A few hours later, during ship's night, after he'd checked that Dick Hal was still in the brig and that the ship was mostly functional in spite of the demolition wrought in their fight, Kirk sneaked back into Sickbay.

Spock was sleeping peacefully on a biobed, the panel above chirping softly in the dim room. Sulu was unconcious in an adjacent bed, his leg almost returned to normal.

Kirk stood over the Vulcan, keeping a silent vigil over his dreams and trying not to give in to his desire of curling around Spock and waking him up with kisses, but soon he found he couldn't resist. He had to touch Spock. He reached out with a hand and let his fingers skim over the blanket, over a collarbone, before alighting on a blue-clad arm... He still looked incredibly good, even in those horrible Sickbay jumpsuits.

He caressed the long fingers, turned over the hand and touched the now upturned palm, intertwined his own fingers with Spock's. The hand twitched, the fingers curled around his -- and Spock opened his eyes.

'Captain?'

'How are you, Spock? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.' Well, he had, but one shouldn't admit to such things.

'I am well, Captain. Indeed, I should return to my quarters and -- oomf!' oomfed Spock. Kirk had just pinned his arms down on the bed and stuck his tongue in Spock's mouth. The Vulcan did not resist, and let himself be devoured by his libidinous Captain.

The Human was, on his part, quite enjoying the taste of Spock's kisses -- they tasted like copper, just like the key to his Grandma's candy drawer. It was a promise of many tasty things to come, of more licking and sucking and sticky fingers than was reasonable... He began climbing on the biobed, first a knee, then another, and now he was hovering above Spock. The Vulcan watched him through slitted eyes under slanted eyebrows and blue eyelids, and between his slightly parted lips he could see a green tongue peeking through, darting forth to moisten the lips before retreating, inviting him to come in again...

Unbeknownst to both, Sickbay was not empty at that time of the night. The head nurse was still there, and at the sound of voices she had come to see who was disturbing the patients, and especially Mr. Spock - _her_ patient. She couldn't quite believe her eyes when she saw the Captain and First Officer engaged in non-medical acts on a bed! Never losing her cool head, Christine Chapel grabbed a camera, the one they usually used to take pictures or shoot videos of weird illnesses and alien living things, and started what would undoubtedly make her a rich woman: the hottest picture book of the ship! There would be a huge market for them, between all those who either lusted after Spock, wanted to shag Kirk, or desired both -- not counting all the bets made on their supposed, but so far never proven, relationship. And they were completely oblivious to everything around them, even the flashes of her camera...

As she was frantically shooting pictures, the two men were still kissing each other. Kirk's cock was hard already, poking a warm groin where to its dismay, no answering hardness seemed to have appeared. A better display of his skills was clearly needed, and Jim proceeded to change positions on the narrow bed and grab and pull the Vulcan closer to him to -

CRASH!

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Two wide, horrified, brown eyes were staring up at him. Spock had landed on the floor and upturned a small table in his fall from the biobed of Heaven, and the commotion had started a medical alarm. What had they been doing? What had _he_ been doing? With his Captain? He was a Vulcan. Vulcans did not engage in... in... in such shameful displays of emotions!

'Those beds are really too small. Your room or mine? Spock?'

But the Vulcan had already bolted out of Sickbay as if Nurse Chapel was running after him with plomeek soup. Kirk leisurely followed -- he was so sure of Spock's eagerness that he decided to make him wait a little. He first stopped in his quarters and his miraculously repaired bathroom, to shower and change in his favourite green wraparound shirt, the one with the nice gold buckle... He admired his muscles in the mirror and put on some makeup -- eyeliner and mascara, he'd found, made him irresistible -- before knocking on Spock's door.

But there was no answer, and the door didn't open. Strange.

After having rung, knocked, talked, chimed, and generally done anything he could to inform the entire ship that its Captain was locked outside the First Officer's quarters, he eventually used his override to penetrate Spock's room.

'Spock?'

He waited for his eyes to adapt to the dim light, and he finally spotted a humanoid form huddled on the bed. He walked nearer, and memorized the sight: Spock, his knees drawn up, his head buried in a black pillow, clutching -- clutching -- not a black pillow, but a black stuffed Sehlat! Tibby!

The shock made Kirk fall straight on his queer butt (the left cheek, the right preferred women). Spock? His First Officer slept with a child's comfort toy? Wasn't this _cute_? And so he sat there until late into the night, a totally besotted half-grin on his face, watching his favourite Vulcan sleep like a Human child.

In the small hours of the morning, Spock stirred, and blinked up owlishly into a light he couldn't remember having switched on. He turned and threw his legs over the edge of the bed, and froze at his Captain's presence and disturbing expression, as he was directly staring between his legs. He hastily crossed them.

'Jim?'

'Did you run away, Spock?'

His grip tightened around Tibby. 'Captain, engaging in such... activities in a public place, for commanding officers, is not... proper. I am a -'

'Yes, we all know you are a Vulcan. I want you.'

'Jim, your experience in such matters should provide you with better opportunities to satisfy you human lust than... me. Please leave my quarters.'

'I want you.' And with that, Kirk pounced. 'Now.'

'But I do not know -'

'Of course you do.'

'No, I -' Jim shut him up with a kiss.

But Spock seemed really uncomfortable, rigid and not kissing back. He had been relaxed and half-asleep yesterday evening, but now -- now he realized what was happening. Was he a virgin? Kirk thought he'd had affairs with young ladies: that Kalomi girl, and Zazabeth... Razibeth... Damn! Bones had mentioned her. And what about that Romulan commander? But in most of these cases, he hadn't been himself... maybe he couldn't remember? Maybe nothing had ever happened... Well, he would just be extra-careful, that was all.

'Relax, Spock... Let me...' Kirk kissed a jaw, an elegantly pointed eartip, an eyebrow... Spock was still tense.

'Captain, may you... may you put this away? Facing... the other way?'

'Mmmh... what...?' Befuddled, he looked at the stuffed animal Spock was waving under his nose. 'Tibby?'

Spock jerked up. 'How do you know Tibby's name?'

'Don't you remember? The meld, in the engine room?' Kirk took the stuffed toy and examined it. 'And why do you want it facing the wall? Honestly, it's not alive...'

'I... feel my mother's eyes on me when...'

'Ah.' Kirk hurriedly put it on a shelf, facing the wall. 'Tell me, Spock, are you a virgin? And, why are your ears suddenly green?'

'Jim, please.'

'All right.' Kirk resumed his position, hovering on his hands and knees over Spock. 'Let me see, where was I? Ah, yes -- we are wearing way too many clothes...'

Jim peeled away every piece of clothing on them, and let his eyes roam over the long, thin, greenish body offered to him. He let a hand run down the chest, stomach, abdomen, before reaching his goal -- the groin.

'My my, Spock, you make me jealous.' A huge, throbbing, greenish pillar of manhood was raising proudly from its nest of black curls. And it had... two ridges! Vulcans! What treasures did they hide!

Spock touched Kirk's own cock, and marveled at the cooler temperature, pinker colour -- a bit like Dick's horny dog -- and slightly different shape. Its size was reassuring -- from what he'd seen in his research, he was supposed to put all of it in his mouth or, well, down there. He could do it, he could do it, he could do it... _I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration._ Besides, from what he had read on Human anatomy, the pink shaft did not even have the little suction circles.

And with that, Spock wriggled and writhed so that Jim was looking up at him and, with a glint in his eyes, began to give back all the kisses he'd been granted so far. Slowly, he traced a path down Jim's body, nibbled nipples, nipped a navel, and finally reached his destination. His Captain was already breathing shallowly, almost panting, and he gave a little whimper as he experimentally licked the head of his dic -- organ. Heartened, he licked more, took it in his mouth, tried to use, as he had on the nipples, his teeth -

'Eeeeeep!' Kirk hastily grabbed him and hauled him up above him. 'No teeth. _No teeth_ , there. Never, ever.'

Ashamed at his obvious lack of knowledge, Spock hung his head and started to rise, but Jim grabbed his arm. 'It's all right, Spock. Some people do like it. You couldn't know. Come here...'

Slowly, the began entangling limbs again, trying not to knee each other in delicate tissue and generally looking very foolish -- but no one was looking, thankfully, and Spock did his very best to switch off the voice of his conscience. They kissed again, more slowly, and caressed thighs, faces, chests -- everything they could.

'Ouch! What's that?' Kirk extracted a chess piece from under his butt. 'A queen? Ooooh, are you sleeping with a queen? Are you trying to tell me you're really gay, Spock?' And with that, he grabbed the Vulcan's two-ridged, enormous cock and started moving his hand in earnest.

'Jim! Jim, don't, I - '

'How does it feel, Spock?'

'Jim, stop, please, Jim - '

'I wonder, is your come green too? What does it taste like? Oh!' Spock was following his lead, and Jim's cock was now firmly encased in a strong, hot, firm grip.

Both men stopped talking, and only their harsh breathing betrayed their activity in the room, until Spock changed position slightly to lie next to Kirk and reached up to meld with him. 'Please...'

'Yesss...' his Captain hissed.

Soon, they were both caught in a whirl of sensations, their heads nestled against each other, their minds twined together, until their breathing hitched and they fell into oblivion.

♥

When Jim woke up, he found the bed much colder... He was alone. Alone? But where was Spock? There was no sign of him in the room, even his clothes had disappeared! Had he been too afraid to face his desires? What had he done to the Vulcan? What would he do, what could he be without him? Jim felt tears form behind his lids.

When Spock walked in, he was surprised to see his Captain and, ah, lover, clutching Tibby and his head buried in the fur. His shoulders where shaking alarmingly. What was wrong? He put the tray on the table and walked to the bed.

'Jim?'

'Spo-ock? Is that really you?'

'Yes, it is. What is wrong, Jim?'

'I... I thought you were gone?'

'I was.' As Kirk's eyes widened, he added hastily, 'I went to fetch delicacies that my replicator cannot provide.' and with that, he handed the tray to Jim.

'Breakfast! Oooh, Spock, I'm sorry I thought - '

'No offense given where none is taken, Captain.'

'Jim.'

'Jim.'

As they fed each other small bits of fruit, Kirk thought he noticed something strange about Spock today. Was it love? Was it his first real shag? He looked different. The light of the firepot embers was clearly not enough. 'Computer, lights 25%'.

'Spock? Why are your eyelids the same colour as the rest of your skin?'

Spock stared at him uncomprehendingly for a moment before jumping up, rushing to the bathroom and locking the door behind him.

'Spock, I didn't mean to offend! What's wrong?'

A muffled, anguished voice answered. 'I must apologize, Captain. This breach of manners is unforgivable, and I understand if you wish to - '

'Spock, what are you talking about?? Wait, are you saying blue is _not_ your natural colouring?'

'Captain, my blood is green, not blue.'

'Eyeshadow? Spock, you wear _eyeshadow_?' Jim felt hysteric laughter rise up in him.

'Captain, I am a Vulcan. Vulcans colour their eyelids in accordance to their social and -- Jim!'

Spock could not add any more to Jim's cultural knowledge, as the Human had used his override again to force open the door and had thrown himself, and Spock alongside in his momentum, in the shower stall, and was now kissing him. When they broke apart to gaze at each other's eyelids, Jim started to take off Spock's tunic, firmly decided to shag and ravish him right on the spot and opened the tap.

'You know, Spock, I find that make-up thing particularly... fascinating. I want to watch you when you put it on...' They slid down the wall in a pool of clothes and water and a heap of hormones.

'RED ALERT! RED ALERT! Klingon intruder escaped from his cell!'

♥

Dick Hal threw away the hairpin which he had used to pick the lock of the force field. Sometimes having long hair was fortunate. All right, all the time.

He was running along the curved corridor, panting, his hair in disarray, his lips swollen, his right eye circled by a purple bruise. He hadn't broken out to go to the Klingons— they would probably not overlook the fact that he had almost made pizza out of their homeworld. No, he had one purpose only: to get back at Kirk. He didn't know how, but he knew that when the time came, he would know what to do.

'Intruder detected in five places at once! Captain to the bridge!' shouted a loudspeaker.

Meanwhile, he had to figure out where he wanted to go.

He stopped in front of a large picture on one of the walls. It was a map. The corridors of the Enterprise looked like a maze, he was the mouse and Kirk was the cheese. This was going to be harder than he had thought.

'Let me see. I am here, because this red arrow says so. To get to anywhere important, I need to go through here and here.'

He ran on, taking a left, two rights and a U-turn. 'Now where am I....'

'Intruder detected in deck 4, section 3C. He can only turn left towards section 3D or right towards section 10E, but the first one will lead him to the boiler room.'

'Thank you.' Dick turned right.

'Intruder now in section 10E.'

'Seal off exits from section 10E with security forcefields,' came Kirk's voice through the intercom.

Dick ran out under a forcefield as it was closing.

'Now where...?'

'Intruder detected in section 14G. He appears to be headed towards the Captain's quarters.'

'Captain's quarters... now THAT is a good idea,' mused Dick. 'Do tell me more.'

'I want vacuum and lethal radiation in section 14G NOW!' commanded Kirk.

'James, you really like me, or you wouldn't try to kill me so much,' Dick said to the ceiling.

He made a hole through a forcefield with his teeth and emerged where he had been three minutes before. A large panel said, 'Nice to see you again.'

'Labyrinths!'

He took a left and arrived at a closed door. 'Oops, dead end,' said the panel. 'Indeed?' said Dick and broke down the door. He was in Kirk's quarters—it was apparent from the fact that the loudspeaker said 'Intruder in Captain's quarters!' He ignored the Spock shrine and the photomanipulation of Admiral Nogura and the sheep hanging on the wall, and ran into the bathroom. As toilet paper there was a copy of the Starfleet General Orders, with the Prime Directive at the top of the pile. He browsed through the sheets and could make out General Order 11— 'Starfleet officers with command-level rank or higher are required to make a pact with the devil before they are instated.' 'Boring. Old news,' he said. He looked into the mirror and winced. He had forgotten why he was there.

The contents of the little cabinet were scattered easily inside the sink. Dick sifted through the odds and ends. There was a rubber duck, a picture of Kirk naked taken by himself in the mirror, an epilator, an eyelash curler, a dose of tribble musk (he cringed) and hair dye.

And then he knew.

He took the small bottle and hid it in the underwear drawer. 'This is the last place he would open,' he thought.

'Freeze, Dick! These are set on kill!'

Kirk and Spock were in the doorway, cocking phasers.

'Mr. Spock... are you that mad at me for being attracted to you?' smiled Dick and tried to comb his disheveled black hair with his fingers. His hand got stuck. He sighed.

'Vulcans are not mad, Dr. Hal. But if I were human, you would most probably leave a sticky, pinkish trail behind you now.'

'Let's go,' prodded Kirk. 'Spock, take him to the brig. No, he already broke out of the brig. Take him to the Mind-Killer. There is no escape from there.'

No more words were uttered between Spock and Dick until Dick was thrown into a dimly-lit room. The door closed behind him with an ominous clang. He looked around. There were four doors, each in the middle of a wall, and something was written on them. He squinted.

The signs on all four doors said, 'This is not an exit.'

He fell to his knees. 'Nooooooo!'

Somewhere else on the Enterprise, the Captain screamed, 'Where — the — hell — is — my — lubricant!!?'

♥

Everyone was gathered around Kirk's command chair while he gesticulated dramatically, without saying a word.

'Captain, I am sorry that I did not deduce the identity of the intruder sooner. I have failed you as a Science Officer.'

'Spock, you couldn't have known... He had no beard!'

'That is logical, and reassuring, Captain. Thank you. I hope I can interest you in some _gagh_... later.' They exchanged a smile.

'After extensive medical research, I have found out that Spock was immune to Dick's charms because of that damned green alien blood of his,' and McCoy rolled his eyes.

'Doctor, nothing ever affects me because of that “damned green alien blood” of mine. It makes one want to possess some, does it not?'

McCoy went bright red and stormed off the bridge.

'By the way, what happened to Dick? He's not in the Mind-Killer anymore,' said Kirk.

Spock and Scotty gave each other a subtle look. 'All right, Scotty, how did you get rid of Dick?'

'Captain, it was Mrrr. Spock's rrrecommendation... but I did the transporrting.'

'Scotty, you didn't just transport him out into space, did you?' Kirk looked aghast.

'Sir! That'd be inhuman! He's not a rrredshirrrt!' Scott looked offended.

'Scotty, aren't _you_ a red shirt, too?'

'Aye, but I've been dead once already!'

'All right, Mr. Scott...what _did_ you do with him?' 'I gave him a good home, sir.' 'Where??' 'I gave him to the Klingons, sir...' 'You gave him to the...' 'Aye, sir. They are just standing therrre, so I transporrrted the whole kit and kaboodle into their engine rrroom...where he'll be no tribble at all.'

'You know, Scotty... Remember those tribbles, last time? I don't think we _really_ gave them a good home.'

'Captain, please tell us more about what happened!' Uhura was excited.

'Well, then Mr. Spock saved me from the Klingons' deadly jello, we came here, went through those murky Jefferies tubes and missed the connection and Spock led us through a shortcut, that meaning,' and he glared at Spock, 'we dangerously cut right through Ensign Chekov's quarters.'

'Oooooh.' The bridge crew was in awe.

'Keptin, vill you promote me back to lieutenant now?' Chekov's face was bright.

'Now, Chekov, I really couldn't. You are now the last redshirt on the Enterprise. By the way, Mr. Scott, what were _you_ doing while we heroically risked life and limb to save the ship?'

*The matterrr-antimatterrr container fissured and I had to plug the hole with my fingerrr fer hours until someone finally came and gave me his gum, sir!'

*All right, Mr. Scott. And then we came to the bridge and Spock and Sulu broke right through the floor and I waited in the...'

'Captain, we know all this. We were there!' said Uhura.

'Oh, um... then things happened, the Enterprise was diverted back to the science station and Spock and I had sex.'

'We know that too.'

'You were there??'

'No, but you left your intercom open.'

'Oh, um.' He turned to Spock. 'Why, Mr. Spoooock, you have pointed ears!'

Everyone on the bridge started laughing uncontrollably. And by doing that, they failed to notice the shuttle which escaped from the Klingon vessel and went into warp, but then, it was a only small shuttle, made for one.

Dick Hal had many other amazing adventures — until he came back to the Enterprise. But that is another story and will be told another time.

**Author's Note:**

> **Notes**
> 
> Krss: *Lords of the Geeks' is an intended pun upon *Lord of the Flies'. (What did you think it was?) titC: Nah, http://lordofthepeeps.com/. Krss: Okay.
> 
> The stardate business is fishy to say the least: stardate 2269: Chekov is made lieutenant under Will Decker for the V'Ger mission stardate 2277: leaves to serve on USS Reliant but TOS lasts between stardates 1513-5928. So the fic can be seen as both in TOS-verse and movieverse. We lean towards TOS-verse.  
> Info: https://web.archive.org/web/20070213144204/http://people.ssh.fi/tri/hack_man_guide/misc/misc_info.html
> 
> Richard Hal: Hal was the name of the computer in 2001, Space Odyssey. And Richard gave us the opportunity to make more bad puns... Also, it's the nema od Richard Daystrom, the crazed computer expert in The Ultimate Computer.
> 
> BlinkTron: well, it was blinking.
> 
> The pulling-swimmers-back-with-a-string-to-make-the-pool-look-bigger was stolen from the making of *Dallas'.
> 
> Klingon phrases used:
> 
> petaQ = epithet expressing a curse  
> nga'chug = sex  
> hC'oK = Klingon dish inwented by titC to sound like cock  
> yab = mind, brain  
> pIn'a' = master  
> gagh = Klingon dish, a live multilegged black creature  
> Qapla'! = success, greetings  
> buy' ngop = That's great news! or literally: The plates are full.  
> nuqDaq yuch Dapol? = Where do you keep the chocolate?  
> nuqDaq 'oH puchpa''e'? = Where is the bathroom?  
> DIvI'may'Duj = Federation battle cruiser  
> veQDuj = garbage scow (USS Enterprise)  
> Batleth = the crescent-shaped Klingon sword  
> taHqeq! QI'yaH! ghuy'cha'! = horrible, untranslatable curses  
> Hab SoSlI' Quch = Your mother has a smooth forehead 
> 
> Klingon references:  
> https://www.kli.org/about-klingon/klingon-phrases/  
> https://www.kli.org/about-klingon/new-klingon-words/  
> https://web.archive.org/web/20050322041147/http://members.aol.com/JPKlingon/newbook.html
> 
> *mreps' = try reading that one from right to left...
> 
> *I don't know half of them half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of them half as well as they deserve.' Never read _The Lord of the Rings_? Heck, ALL of Tolkien? What are you _doing_ , man!?
> 
> *Thrill me chill me fulfill me, creature ooooof the niiiiight!' is from _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_. You can see Susan Sarandon jingling her white-clad boobs at that precise moment.
> 
> 'My name is not Harry Potter' is because Harry Potter got the bones in his arm regrown through magic in only one night.
> 
> *I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.' From Frank Herbert's _Dune_.
> 
> Oh, and there's a nod to Shakespeare, too... The butt me no butts nor bones me no boneses ( _Richard II_ )
> 
> General Starfleet Orders:  
> http://www.st-minutiae.com/academy/history316/general_orders.xhtml
> 
> The final line is an adaptation of the famous quotes from _The Neverending Story_ movie and book: *Bastian made many other wishes, and had many amazing adventures— until he came back to the real world. But that is another story, and will be told another time.'
> 
> And Order 66? There is no Order 66. *waves hand*


End file.
